After that I felt fantastic.
I felt invincible.
I felt FREEKIN' AWESOME.
"Pffft," I thought "This weight loss thing is so licked.
Hey I may even be down to my pre-ERIN weight by the end of the year at this rate. I am going to run a 10 Km race this year. And maybe a MARATHON next year.
After that I should totally go in the Olympics. I would rock the Olympics.
If I win a gold medal in the Olympics I should totally become a writer and motivational speaker.
I am sure that the fact that when people call me inspirational I crack under the pressure of living up to their expectations and become a quivering mess in the corner will in no way impede my success as a writer, motivational speaker and Olympic Athlete.
And when I am a writer, motivational speaker and Olympic Athlete I will give my testamony and thousands, nay, MILLIONS of people will love Jesus and the world will be a Happy Place. There may even be world peace. I should have started loosing weight YEARS ago."
And then, just when I was figuring out my training schedule for my Olympic dreams around my mothering commitments etc. TUESDAY came.
And with it came Anna's third birthday.
And cake.
Now I think I have mentioned before that I am a former bulimic. While I haven't actually done anything actually bulimic for over ten years now, I still have traces of food obsession and compulsive eating....just to keep me humble. This means that when there is cake/chocolate/sweets/anything remotely yummy-treat-like in the house a part of my brain gets like this
(by the way, if you are not bothered by the use of one four lettered word - which is technically a six lettered word because it has -ed on the end - click through to the blog that pic is from. It pretty much describes that part of my brain in detail and it makes me laugh so hard I snort)
But I figured that seeing as I was practically an olympic athlete now and on the cusp of winning the world for Jesus I would be fine with a little cake in the house - right?
I took Anna to the shop to choose the lollies she wanted for her cake. I used to think that I should make cakes like this
But I actually make cakes like this
and so now I just let the kids choose a bag of lollies and decorate it themselves.
Which meant I had half a bag of Jelly Beans AND a vanilla cake, iced and covered with Jelly Beans.
The cake-obsessed part of my brain was going into overdrive and my olympic dream was starting to look a little shaky.
I would be working away, minding my own business and cake-brain would say "Cake?"
"No, we are going to the OLYMPICS we will be FAMOUS and HELP PEOPLE. You do not need cake."
Then five minutes later.....
"Cake?"
"No."
...
"Cake?
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SUNG HAPPY BIRTHDAY YET!!"
...
"Cake?"
This went on for about two hours.
But I was good, I was strong.
I waited until after we sung happy birthday then dutifully ate onlyone piece of cake with the children to celebrate Anna's birthday. Then got it out after the kids went to bed and ate another two pieces.
All week I have been contending with the harassment of cake-brain which, toward the end of the week, was joined by PMS-brain. I lothe PMS-brain. I lothe it so much, I stay pregnant most of the time to avoid it. If PMS-brain was a person, it would be a hard-drinking, chain smoking, sarcastic, bitter woman with a drive to get what she wants, whatever it takes. And when cake-brain and PMS-brain get together, the result is scary.
It starts out wheedling and 'nice'...and very tricksy.
"You know, you have had a really hard day today. Kaylee needed you heaps, the kids were ratty. You deserve the simple pleasure of a piece of cake."
Of course it doesn't mention that once I have one piece of cake, cake-brain will take over and there may be no cake left for the children the next day.
Then it gets really nasty.
"You have no self control you know - here are fifteen ways you failed to be perfect today. Why don't you just go and eat cake - it's what you're good at. Then you can just resign yourself to being a big fat, fatty failure the rest of your life."
Hmmmm, nasty.
So PMS brain does the nasty and nice thing while cake brain provides a background beat of:
Cake cake cake cake CAKE cake cAKE cAkE CAke cake caaaaake Cake cake cake cake CAKE cake cAKE cAkE CAke cake caaaaake cake cake cake.......
and after a while I kind of start to melt down
So at the end of the day - I did manage, with some prayer and a stupidly huge amount of self control (so much more than I think one ought to have to use in order to not eat a child's birthday cake), to not consume every crumb of cake and jelly bean in the house this week. The last piece of cake was given to one of the kids yesterday. I do not know what the scales will say tomorrow but with the whole cake-brain/PMS-brain thing and Kaylee's needs meaning that I spent most of the week in an arm chair holding her or attached to a breast pump, I am not expecting the result to be mind-blowing.
And the Olympic dream and World Peace may have to be put off a few weeks.
2 comments:
I am well acquainted with cake brain. I never knew it had a name, but I feel rather better now knowing it's not just me!
I've been so amazing in the food department for two days straight! I'll have to write and tell you about it.
And while I'm not complaining mind you, I must say real quick that I'm drowning right now. I'm sure my ocean doesn't have waves like yours, but it's the only ocean I know.
And I don't surf.
I love ya!
Will write as soon as I can :-)
Whewwwww! Having to do battle with cake-brain, PMS-brain, and super-stress all at once requires all those super-powers you felt you had at the start of the week. Well done for coming out of it as well as you did.
Don't forget that people who are at their healthy weight experience ups and downs in their weight from week to week. What matters is the trend line over time. My own experience is that if you keep making the best and healthiest choices you can again and again, minute by minute, day by day, that line will slowly and steadily head downwards.
Hang in there - praying that next week involves less demon-slaying, and more feeling great.
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